Mad Sounds
by L Lawliet conquers the world
Summary: Annie and Mikasa used to slowly dance on this song, and now, it only brings fragments of memories to them one of them would rather forget, and the other tries to clung onto. Mikannie/mikaani (mikasa x annie)


The pouring rain and the rustling of the wind made her hug her knees with her back to the wall. It was dark.. All dark around her.. Why would she get up to turn on the lights? She could only hear the muffled talk of a woman on the radio, but she couldn't concentrate or care enough to listen.

"It's not working! And it never will!" She had said. After that, she never cared about the other woman's sobs, she had closed her heart and pushed everyone away, she had fallen into fear and darkness, although she was too much of a coward to admit it and get over it.

Strands of her black hair fell onto her face, as she looked down and placed her forehead to her knees. Mikasa was so close to falling asleep like this again. The sounds of the raindrops hitting the window, the radio with the volume so low, the darkness around her… they all managed to bring her peace somehow and make her able to sleep. She didn't even hear the announcement of the song coming next on the radio.

The first chords made her shudder. No… just… not that song… why now, when she was so close to falling asleep, when she could try to forget…

'Mad sounds… in your ears…'

She raised her head, wanting to turn off the radio, but the melody was there in her head already.. It was too late for her to do something about it, and she couldn't find the strength to get up.

'Make you feel alright…'

She would now smile softly and turn to look at Annie. Mikasa would take her hand and spin her around slowly, then they'd just swing from side to side… so slow, that they'd forget they're actually moving… just holding each other, their heads buried in each other's shoulders or chest, as the song would only exist in their ears… and only they could hear it, as their hearts melted together in one beat and one being. And Mikasa would do that maybe… if only she was here…

'they bring you back to life…

mad sounds, in your ears,

make you get up and dance…

yeah they make you get up…

get up and dance… all night long…'

She mouthed the lyrics.. 'love buckles.. under the strains of those wild nights.. run but you cannot hide..'

And she could remember so well, as the memories were as clear as the day they made them together, in spite of Mikasa's attempts to make them fade away, to erase them like they meant nothing. And she knew she was lying to herself, but it all felt so right… it was so comfortable to forget… You can't be hurt if you don't remember… You can't regret if you never keep the memories. But they were still there, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself she had forgotten.

Mikasa didn't want to care anymore... insensitive, cold, without showing any emotion, and impossible to touch. Everything she became and everything she's come to know herself as.

The memories flooded her mind, falling like the rain outside, like drops of sound and image she had worshipped, but now she wanted to forget, as if she declared it all a sin. The mad sounds she made Annie make. Against the other's hot skin, her lips pressed to her neck, as she breathed in her scent and slowly brushed her skin with her lips. Annie's small gasps, sudden and weak moans, it was all driving Mikasa insane, leaving her carving for more, but in the darkness she was now there wasn't anything she could clung onto, there wasn't anything she could do but listen.

'love buckles under the strains.. of those wild nights'

She was listening to lies. And Mikasa could feel the hatred growing in her chest, a hatred meant to protect her soul from further suffering, denying what she has done and denying what she felt.

Her breathing quickened, Mikasa noticed that and she suddenly felt tears forming up in her eyes. 'mad sounds… in your ears..'

"Damn you, why won't you listen to me for once! You were right, nothing's just working anymore!" Then Annie had slammed the door. Why was she remembering this now.

"Fuck you." Mikasa had said, before brutally shoving the other into the wall. "Get out. I hate you." She remembered how she had pointed to the door that day, gritting her teeth, breathing quickly, shaking with anger. She had meant it, right? Right? She hated her, wasn't that so?

She buried her head in her hands, her body shaking now from sobs, as the song was reaching its end. And she couldn't bear it. Mikasa couldn't and didn't want to hear the last stroke of the guitar, the somehow calming ending that always made her want to stay forever in Annie's hands when they were still together. She hated every part of that damned song, she hated it's every chord and lyric, and she got up immediately, smashing her hand into the radio's power off button, falling onto her knees, tears rolling down her face.

But the song was still there. In her ears. Those mad sounds driving her insane, and she just couldn't get it out, as fear took over her body, making her want to smash her head into the wall.

"Get the fuck out!!" Mikasa shouted, furiously wiping her tears away. "Get out!!" But it was like someone had increased the volume, and it was playing in her mind, without ending. And she kept on repeating those words, those words that made Annie slam her door and never come back again. Why was she doing the same mistake..?

"I hate you, get the fucking hell out of my head!!"

And the song was melting with the rain outside, as Mikasa's shouts faded away in the street. Annie pulled the hood of her sweater over her head, plugging in her earphones and stepping into the rain, walking on the gray empty streets.

She loved the rain, the calming sound of the raindrops, as she hit the play button on her phone.

'Mad sounds, in your ears..'

Annie closed her eyes, walking as she put her hands in her hoodie's pockets. The rain's sound disappeared, she could barely hear it, but knowing it was there, all around her, comforted her in a way only Mikasa's arms used to be able to. It hurt her... that song hurt her in many ways, but it was the only hope she had, the only thing she could clung onto and feel that there was a chance out there for her. And although those memories hurt, she was ready to accept and live with them. What point was there in denying what she had felt? Although it all ended harshly, leaving the both of them a broken mess, she still had to admit that her love for Mikasa had been and… it still was something so real, that if she'd ever deny it, she could never forgive herself. No, she won't ever forget that.

And in her heart, that love was still there. No matter how much she fell, she had to keep trying. No matter how many times Mikasa's actions hit her hard, making her cry and fall. She… had to get back up. It was something she had learned from Mikasa, but Annie didn't know if the other girl wanted to try anymore.

There was nothing but the rain… No footsteps on the ground, only hers, as her hoodie started to get damp, raindrops running down strands of her blonde hair.

'Mad sounds… they reappear… they make you get up and dance… yeah they make you get up'

The song playing in her ears brought in waves of memories, and a sad chuckle left her lips. Annie shook her head slightly, they had been both idiots… She had never meant those words… Those endless fights over nothing at all, those slammed doors and shouts… She never wanted them. All she wanted was to be loved and to love the other. And yet… somehow they always ended up fighting. It was a struggle for her to understand what Mikasa had felt in those moments, and Annie couldn't help but blame herself for not knowing.

'Suppose you've gotta do what you gotta do…

We just weren't feeling how we wanted to…'

She paused for a second, as the strange connection between the lyrics and her thoughts in that moment struck her. With a shrug, she started to walk again, but soon, biting her lip, Annie sat down on the ground, her back to an abandoned wall. The lighting struck, crossing the gray, dark sky, as it started pouring.

'You sit and try sometimes but you just can't figure out… what went wrong…'

She couldn't get it. No matter how hard she tried. The heavy rain was going through her clothes, getting to her skin and making her shiver in the cold, and she closed her eyes, listening to the song as it was on replay, but not registering anything at all… How many times did she shiver like this when Mikasa's hands slipped under her hoodie, and her fingers lightly ran up her bare back? Now the rain was running down on her skin, cold and silent. Not like her touch… Her touch which was silent, cold, yet alive. The black haired woman's body, pressed against her own, and her quick moves, yet gentle and elegant… Now she had her knees pressed to her chest, the rain running down her neck.

Were those tears? Was she crying? With so much rain around her, she couldn't know for sure.

'Make you get up and dance…'

Right then and there, she would have taken her hand and got up, swinging from side to side in the rain. If a strager wanted to help her or offered her a hand, she wouldn't take it. The only hand she'd ever take was Mikasa's. She raised her head, looking for a face, for her, but why would she be here on this rainy day?

Annie sighed, as all her strength left her body and she got carried away with the sound of the rain that managed to get into her ears, as 'Mad Sounds' was still playing in her headphones. And… surprisingly… she got up… She found that strength in herself needed to get up, to walk through the rain and step forward with precision and determination. And with her every step, she got closer and closer to her. It didn't matter if she was going to be rejected again, broken and shattered into pieces. She wanted to see her again. Annie started walking faster, her hoodie soaked.

Mikasa's touch has always been addictive. Her kisses, her lips, her body… Annie had slowly started to become addicted to these… And yet… the other woman wasn't only addictive, she was deadly as well. But no matter how many times Annie got pushed away… no matter how many times Mikasa's words or actions had hurt her… She still loved her with all of her heart. So much, that the fact itself started to hurt. She wasn't prepared… and she didn't want to let go yet…

And she found herself ringing the doorbell. Once. Then, as no one answered, for the second time. She hoped she was home… where else could she have been?

Inside, Mikasa was sitting on the floor, her tears starting to dry up and make her eyes sting. She didn't even hear the doorbell. The second time Annie rang, she raised her head and sat up. No... she wasn't going to answer. Whoever it was.. they could just fuck off. She was slightly shaking, and as the bell rang for the thrid time, she walked to the door, growling. Who the hell could have been here at this hour? And it was raining outside.

As she opened the door, Mikasa wiped away the last of her tears. Outside, in the cold rain, she saw Annie. Her heart almost stopped, and she wanted to slam the door in her face and lock it. Yet, she stood there looking into her eyes. No greetings, no words. Mikasa looked at her. What was she doing here… If she tried to achieve something, to try and fix things, then she'd better leave. There was nothing to fix, nothing to discuss. Mikasa now strongly believed she didn't hold any feelings for her anymore, trying to fill her chest now with nothingness. But it scared her. It all scared her so much, Annie standing there, in her doorway, being this close to her and… the biggest fear she had now, was her new built wall collapsing.

Finally, Annie spoke. "You were crying." She said, a lump in her throat. Mikasa shrugged.

"I was." There was no point in denying it.

"You too." Annie shook her head.

"It's just the rai-"

"Your eyes are red." Mikasa cut her off, sighing. "What do you want?"

Annie's eyes widened. The coldness in Mikasa's voice, her expressionless face she tried to put on, it hurt her… because she could see she was suffering, yet denying it. She opened her mouth to say something, but she was too afraid of her voice coming out as if she was on the brink of crying. She didn't say anything, and Mikasa crossed her arms, sighing again.

"I can't let you out in the rain. Look at you. Your clothes are soaked through." Mikasa let Annie in, and the blonde hesitantly entered the house. "What do you want, I asked."

Annie gritted her teeth. She hasn't done anything to receive this kind of treatment, she simply came here to fix something between them, but Mikasa tried to make it clear she didn't want it.

"I'm not dumb... Stop pretending you don't care, Mikasa."

That's not how either of them imagined this would go. They were like two strangers, as silence fell between them. "I'll bring you some dry clothes… then an umbrella so you can leave." Mikasa said, not even looking at Annie.

The sooner she left, the better. Her heart started beating faster in fear. A fear she couldn't explain, but just the other's presence made her feel unsure and unstable. She thought she had established this, hadn't she? No feelings… She never really loved Annie. It was all just a waste of time… She took in a deep breath, and looked at her.

Annie was now staring at her, looking into Mikasa's eyes. "No.." She gulped approaching the other. She wanted to tangle her fingers in her black hair, pull her down in a heated kiss, just like they've done so many times before, she wanted Mikasa to be hers again, but she was now just like sand slipping through her fingers, and she had to act fast. She had to tell her.

"I want… I want to try again, Mikasa." She bit her lip.

Mikasa's eyes widened. It happened. It happened, and she had no control over it. She knew what Annie came for, and yet she had let her in, the same dumb mistake she kept on repeating. She didn't want it again, she hated her, she just wanted her to leave her alone! She shook her head.

"No. Just… leave Annie." The words felt bitter on her tongue, and so hard to tell. Why… it should have been so easy to push her away… Why was it so hard to say it this time?

Annie's eyes widened. She felt her heart aching, but she couldn't afford to cry now. She knew Mikasa didn't mean it. She knew she was lying to herself, and Annie felt mad at her for this.

"Please… I just want to try again!" Her voice was shaking. "Just… one more shot, okay? Let's give it one more shot, Mikasa! I can't let go!"

"Then learn how to!! Let go!" She shouted at her. "Just leave! There's nothing to fix here!" She was breathing harder, feeling her voice raising and she knew that, if Annie didn't leave now, she'll start crying in frustration in front of her. And then… Annie shook her head.

"You're lying. Even if you know you're a bad liar, Mikasa." She said and grabbed her by the collar of her shirt, pulling her down, clashing their lips together. Mikasa's eyes went wide, she wanted just to pull away, to push Annie into the wall and stop this. And… with some kind of… horror…she instead found herself answering her kiss.

At first, Annie's kiss was only an act of pure desperation, but her heart fluttered as she felt Mikasa's lips moving against her own, her arms wrapping around her waist, a little bit unsure, but an act that was not denying anything. And she gave in, hoping Mikasa would just do the same.

'This is nothing… This is nothing, right?' Mikasa was scared, so scared of falling apart again, so scared of giving in, and it was like the walls were closing around her and she was buried alive. 'This… won't go any further…'

And yet, their heartbeats started beating in sync as one. In that moment, Mikasa's eyes fluttered open and she pushed Annie away, fear in her look. "Leave! Just leave, Annie!" She knew she was crying already, her voice broken as she spoke, tears rolling down her face again.

And at her words… Annie knew. "You pushed me away." She mumbled, her voice then raising suddenly. "What is this, Ackerman?? Are you afraid? Afraid of what?!" She yelled at her. She couldn't stand this. "I should be afraid here! Afraid of you! Do you have any idea of how much you hurt me? What have I done to you? Tell me!"

Mikasa's eyes widened.

Annie snorted. "You're not allowed to cry in this situation. All I did was love you. It turned out to be a mistake. And yet, I can't and won't deny it like you do. I still… I still fucking love you, Mikasa! And I came here just to have my heart shattered to pieces again, but somehow, I still find in that broken useless thing enough strength and force to love you!!" She was shouting, and Mikasa took a step back.

Annie was shaking, afraid her voice will break and she will start sobbing in front of Mikasa. "But now I realise I'm harming myself… by trying to get you to stop lying to yourself. And I can't be bothered with that anymore." She said through her teeth. "You want to lie? Perfect. You don't? I already said I love you, so I may still be here. Figure it out. Although now, it may be too late."

She hesitated a little, and then shook her head. "It's already too late. I'm going to just let go. I give up, Ackerman." She said, leaving her house and slamming the door. And… as soon as she stepped outside… she let her tears fall. And she couldn't tell which were her tears and which the cold raindrops.

Behind her, inside, Mikasa was staring in front of her at the wall. They'd get over it, eventually. They'd figure a way out, each one on her own. They had to. Either that… or…

'Yeah they make you get up… '

Mikasa clenched her fists. And unlike many times, she actually knew where she wanted her feet to take her. Running into the street… she called for Annie... looking for forgiveness, acceptance… and despite all that happened, she only had to call her name once.

'…get up and dance… all night long…'


End file.
